The Story of J.A.R.V.I.S; or, How I Sleep Pt. 2

Baby alligators make cute pets, but they grow up, son.

Once upon a time, there was a little table hugger

who liked to eat Molly's soup bones

and ball up into ugly shapes on the couch.

Also known as Viserys III, the Beggar King, he grew very quickly,

and copied absolutely everything Molly did, desperate for approval.

Seriously, everything.

Being black, Jarface enjoyed bass guitar,

and being German, enoyed standing up straight for long periods of time.

The elusive South African Jarfish was very hard to spot. Blurry, out of focus shots led many to speculate on his very existence and what the hell his problem was.

Usually, Jarya Underfoot could be found underfoot, causing people to trip and drop knives and dinner ingredients and F-bombs, but occasionally he was caught while drowsing, much like a Snorlax.

And he didn't give a shit who or what he fell asleep on, much like a Snorlax.

And then I used to have a couch. 

10 Reflections on the Sochi Games

1. Homophobia is extremely alive in 2014. The comment threads on Sochi-related articles around the internet are bone-chilling.
2. Ignorance is a vile fucking plague upon humanity. Anyone who chooses ignorance in the information age is an asshole.
3. Homophobia, unlike most other phobias, has the unique characteristic of being superbly hateful and violent in nature.
4. Google is suddenly the bravest company in the free world...???
5. The Olympics are boring.
6. The Olympics are pointless.
7. Russians can be rednecks, too.
8. Money, as always, comes before morale. 
9. The World Cup has superior entertainment value, and I'm a hockey fan.
10. Sochi itself looks like a beautiful city.