Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Retail Tales: Why the World is Falling Apart #1

     I work in a store that sells useless shit. Top selling items through most of the year include kids' party supplies (like themed paper tableware), adults' party supplies (like non-themed paper tableware) and balloons. The amount of money that I see people spend on a daily basis on things that contribute almost nothing to their lives is painful. So, here is the first in my retail-based diagnostic of society.

A couple of the interesting (and dire) conundrums for my customers through the last few months:

1. A lack of Jell-O shot cups:
       A noteworthy portion of the population of the city of Windsor, County Essex, Province of Ontario, Canada COULD NOT figure out how to get by without this -------------------------------------->

      The absence of the above has caused exasperated heaves, and the befuddled asses to ask me "well...what am I supposed to do?!"

      Who cares, you unimaginative twat? If you can't figure out a better way to get smashed than to dilute your booze into gelatin in 1.25 oz sweetened portions, perhaps you'd ought to find a better way to spend your evening. Why not make a Jell-O shooter slab in a cake pan? "Hey man, I'm sobering up, slice me off another piece of that good shit!"

2. A helium shortage.
       People have left the store in frustration because they've been unable to have their balloons filled. Primarily this gas is used to cool the magnets in MRIs, and I understand the military also has dibs on the supply before it trickles down to novelty uses like balloons.

      Look, I know you had a certain idea of how your decorations were going to look, but just ditch it. What kind of mentality is this? You are purchasing an item guaranteed not to last, in fact that's the whole point of it.
     Why not take those 18 dollars and buy some more munchies?Or just save them? I guarantee your gathering shan't suffer for it. In fact, a more relevant centerpiece might generate some interesting conversation, instead of ending in you popping your goddam lungs trying to sound like a chipmunk. Not that I'd be upset if you did, that's natural selection at its finest.
     The very surprising thing about this whole deal though, is that people can't fathom it ( Helium is an element. This means it can't be synthesized, which is our modern go-to for resource shortage, instead of finding a better way to do something.). No one can understand how our humble little establishment can be out of this gas that they know nothing about. There's been a corn shortage this year due to drought. Your wallet is probably often a bit short on money. So what do you mean, what do I mean, there's a helium shortage? I mean we don't have any, you daft git!

      Now, we are coming up to the biggest money-making event for our industry, which is Halloween. Nevermind the lead-in to the season, which is Thanksgiving, or as I call it, Lalalalalala-What-Natives-Never-Saw-Them-Day, this shit is about costumes.

      The outrageous amounts of money spent by parents on children, or young guys on masks to not have to be creative, or young ladies on...well, not much at all, is nuts. Halloween costumes tend to be used once, maybe twice, ever; total waste!

      Let's put aside the complete lack of creativity displayed in dressing up nowadays. Or the fact that so many girls who'd hate to be so called use this day to dress like night-ladies, as if every October 31st the Skank Fairy sprinkles some nasty fairy dust that causes them to not be judged for an evening. Or the fact that so many of their peer males are so quick to judge them, but only because their loins ache for them due to those costumes. I want to talk about how we, as it was put in "Food, Inc.," vote with our purchase; how we claim moral superiority, but we don't put our money where our mouths are.

      Every year we have a charitable initiative at the registers, hoping to divert a very tiny amount of what customers pour out on novelty to a somewhat better cause. And every year, I see people spend, without hesitation:

and have no problem handing over debit, credit or hard earned cash for these transactions, but when asked for an extra dollar, just a fraction further to spare, they

      These people will spend 80 dollars to look like a slutty cop (What the hell is a slutty cop? Newsflash, a lady cop is infinitely more likely to whoop your ass than show you hers.) but won't donate to whichever our nominated charity is that year. True, there are plenty of problems with charities inasmuch as their management of donated funds, but isn't something better than nothing? Isn't 30 cents of your single donated dollar better than the several hundred clams you spent to impress your friends? No, forget the starving and the diseased, at home or abroad, forget all that, we need a shitty, uncomfortable thin plastic mask.

      Sometimes, I just have to laugh in their faces, because the alternative is screaming at them. If any of you, dear patrons, should stumble across my humble commentary, this is what you look like to me:

Wanking tossing wastes of air. I say this sort of heinous mess of priorities constitutes our failure as a society and our inability to judge anyone, ever. My entreaty: please stop spending money on this garbage.

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