Thursday, 6 June 2013

When Vegetarians are Assholes or; Why I Dread Pizza Parties

      "Hey, we're ordering pizza for lunch, what do you want on it?"

      The question from hell!

      We're all been there: you're so excited that the meal is going to be pizza at work/a fundraiser/a group hangout/your bris and in the crunch, you don't even care what's on the pizza. You don't want to be boring and just say "cheese and pepperoni" but really, all you want is cheese and pepperoni. Bacon would be great, but the classic approach is best and easiest. Maybe you say meat lovers to look manly (hard to seem masculine and say meat lover in the age of "that's what she said") or Canadian to keep it interesting, or extra cheese because you're fat, but most likely you say "I'm good with anything!" because you're a decent and considerate human being. didn't want this...

  • know that's a fungus, right?
  • Tomatoes. You're aware this entire thing is covered in smashed tomato, right?
  • Onions. My breath is going to be bad enough after this garlicky mess, thank you.
  • Peppers? It's not Mexican night.
  • Olives. Olives! You fascists.
  • Right, I get that it's a vegetarian pizza and all but...where's the meat?

      There's always some goof who ends up getting vegetarian pizza in a group order, and nobody but them wants it. You go to take your share, and *gasp* the pep-and-cheese is nearly gone. Again, trying to be courteous, you only grab two slices, because you know someone else wants the good  pizza, but you're hoping that you can come back for seconds. Never. There's never more of the good pizza! So you grab some of that baked salad and try to pick the toppings off to make it palatable (maybe it will just taste like cheese pizza, you tell yourself), but it never does. The vegetables have ruined the cheese and sauce! So you starve! You go hungry because of the misappropriation of community funds! Taxation without representation! Give me cheese wheels or give me death!

      Which is not to mention that more of the veggie pie ends up going to waste than not, so these people who scorn our murderous topping choices need to fall off their high horses and break a neck or two because the real sin here is the wasted pizza, and the vegetables that could have made a delicious salad.

      OR there's some dinkweasel who always wants Hawaiian, so aptly called because there is, hilariously, pineapple on it. I don't know if Hawaiian people like Hawaiian pizza toppings  (doubtful, because so few others do) but I do know that I've wasted hundreds of dollars over the years on communal pizza ordering that went into some soggy fruit being baked into my pie. Who likes fruit on pizza anyway?

      Why is THAT guy always in charge of ordering the pizza? I sometimes wonder if they don't do it so they can scoop the leftovers, or get a bigger portion, because nobody else wants it. And I'm ignoring the strange new combos that have popped up, like chicken and broccoli (great together off-pizza) or spinach and feta (ditto!) that we sometimes have to deal with, because these are the classic examples.

      I know the gut reaction to this is "Hey, I like things besides cheese and pepperoni on my pizza." I do too! But check the stats. This is about group orders. That one box of C&P will be empty after lunch (or before you even get to it); the Hawaiian  slices will be about 1/3 gone, but a lot of the pineapple will be thrown back into the box; and the vegetarian will have maybe, MAYBE, four slices gone.

      Or, try the Pizza Hut lunch buffet (excellent value for your appetite). They can't bake the cheese and pepperoni fast enough to replace it, but that one veggie pizza will sit through the entire lunch period. Every fifteen minutes you can walk back up and stare at it, and hate it, like it hates you. Now your meal is ruined, all because some mook piped up and said "Ummm, excusthe me. I don't eat meat."

      You selfish bastards.

      Once, in the wee hours of the morning, after many, many wobbly pops, some friends and I ordered Chinese food. When the delivery boy got there, inexplicably, everyone had gone to bed, but I was left holding all the money everyone chipped in, and I was very much awake. I ate EVERYTHING, and called it karma.

No comments:

Post a Comment